Tuesday, September 27, 2016

On the spot not to spank

"A child cannot be raised to be loving---neither by being beaten nor by well-meaning words; no reprimands, sermons, explanations, good examples, threats, or prohibitions can make a child capable of love. A child who is preached to learns only to preach and a child who is beaten learns to beat others. A person can be raised to be a good citizen, a brave soldier, a devout Jew, Catholic, Protestant, or atheist, even to be a devout psychoanalyst, but not to be a vital and free human being. And only vitality and freedom, not the compulsions of child-rearing, open the wellspring of a genuine capacity to love."
--Alice Miller

In 2003 I went to Portugal to inform people of the dangers of spanking children. Of course, I encountered much resistance, even from the children! One day I was babysitting my niece’s little 4 year old girl. We played a game that she was the mother and I was her daughter. She spanked me because I did not do what she wanted.
“Why are you spanking me?” I asked her.
She said: “You are a bad girl, you are not doing what you were told.”
“Do your parents tell you that? Do they spank you?”
She said yes.
I tried to explain to her that spanking is not OK and that the reason she is being spanked is because her parents, when they were little, were spanked by their parents. This upset her and she told me, with tears in her eyes: “you don’t understand, sometimes I am a very bad girl.”
I told her: “you are not a bad girl, you are just a little child, and it’s not your fault.”
She was very hyper because of the abuse she lived with and the constant fear.
Later we were walking in a very busy street on the way to my sister’s house near Porto. Testing me to see how I would handle her if she misbehaved, she refused to hold my hand and wanted to walk alone. This was a very dangerous street with extremely narrow side walks; if she fell into the street she could be run over by a car. But she kept letting go of my hand.
Of course my first impulse was to spank her, because that’s what was done to me when I was a child. But I witnessed my impulse and why it was there and I resisted it. I looked for a non violent way to solve the problem. So I held her and sat on the step of a store and I told her: “I am not moving until you hold my hand” and I explained to her why. We sat there for a while and she kept wanting to go. I said: “I am only moving from this step if you promise to hold my hand until we get to Elza’s house.”
After a while, she got tired of sitting and promised to hold my hand and we enjoyed walking and talking the rest of the way, without having to resort to any violence.
Another day, I was at my nephew’s office with his three year old boy. The little boy grabbed one of the employee’s calculators and wanted take it with him. I could feel everyone tensing up, wanting to grab the calculator from the little boy, and give him a slap on the hand. But they restrained themselves because I had been telling everyone the dangers of hitting children.
The employee told my nephew he could take it home and bring it the next day. But this wasn’t an honest solution either. The calculator was his, not the little boy’s, and it was not a toy for children.
I took charge, sitting on the floor with the little boy holding the calculator in his hands. I told him: “I know this is going to be painful not to be able to take the calculator that you like so much, but it is not yours and we will not leave here until you give it back.”
I told him: “we cannot always have what we want and I also feel disappointed when I don’t get what I want and it’s ok to feel this way.”
I helped him accept his feelings and after about 20 to 30 minutes he understood what I said. Tears ran down his face and again I told him that I understood his pain and that it’s ok to feel sad, and than he gave the calculator back.
I accomplished all that without violence. Of course, I could have grabbed the calculator out of his hands, but that would have not taught the real lesson. Instead, it would have taught him the lesson of violence to pass to the next generation. The circle of violence is hard to break, because the compulsion to repeat is great. But I was able to break it and this is the achievement in my life I am most proud of.
That day in my nephew’s office, I gave everyone there an example how to solve a problem with a child without violence. Of course to accomplish this took time. It would have been much faster to do it the old way with violence, but that would not have helped the little boy to learn to be and feel his own painful feelings when disappointed.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

The Word "Safety" with Regard to Women

No, I don't want safety if it means losing myself and my freedom. I will risk it any day!


Since I can remember has been a constant fight for my freedom, independence and autonomy. People trying to repress me always say is to keep me safe and to protect me! The sociopaths at my job of nine and half years, when they came up with the messy abusive package procedure, they also said to me that was for my protection! I was offended that they were too emotionally blind to see that I could see clear that their package procedure they came up with was to set me up for failure, so they would have something to pin me down with and put the little woman in her place.  As you can see by the words i wrote in a email  to another resident and I published in my blog Sunday, July 5, 2015 "I Guess the Shoe Fits Him":

Mr. K, the resident in the chair of security that I shared with the article about sociopaths, thinking he might help me. The security company say in the letter that he assumed I was calling him a sociopathI guess the shoe fits him! Because as we NOW know, he was in on the plotting too. Once while back, he came to the gate and I had the TV on, it was on the CNN channel that was talking about the terrorism in the Middle East and he mentioned to me that the terrorism is solved by bombing all the Middle East, including women and children, kill everybody! And I told him: They think the same thing about us -- unless the whole society deals with the roots of what breeds terrorism here and aboard, always will be terrorism no matter how many wars we create and how many people we kill. Isn't this the talk of a sociopath?!  When they created the abusive and messy package receiving procedure, Mr. K came to the gate and I tried to explain to him how flawed their system was and he says to me: I am trying to protect you! Trying to protect me my ass. I knew he was lying then and now there is proof that he was lying. Every time someone tells me they are trying to protect me, it really means: I am trying to control you and repress you to manage my own fears. Just like I said in my blog They are Allergic to my Aliveness:  “And like my family they are using the same tactics by saying that is to protect me, but what they want to do is to put me in my place and show me who is in charge to manage their own fears and keep their own image, repression and little illusions intact. Just as Alice Miller says: “Conditioning and manipulation of others are always weapons and instruments in the hands of those in power even if these weapons are disguised with the terms education and therapeutic treatment.” For Your Own Good, P. 278

I share the same article with another resident and this person didn’t assume I was calling her a sociopath, as you Know XX was not part on the plotting to destroy me. As you see by XX’s words below, she thanked me for sharing the article about sociopaths with her.
“This [article] is very interesting and thank you.  I started to tell you this morning that when she told ME who she would distribute, that irritated me… …I may also mention that in the 25 years I've been a S resident, we have never had our guard gate run as efficiently as it is at the present time.  i will ask him if the evidence of package abuse supports the severe response by the board  --- how many requests for a tighter process has he received from residents -- etc.  I will also suggest that since this action defies sanity, could there possibly be another motive somewhere lurking in the shadows?  It simply makes no sense unless they have info I've not rec'd!  Well, we'll see -- hugs, X”
Also the words I wrote below in another e-mail  and i published in my blog, February 14, 2015  "Cowards always get Others to do the Dirty Work for Them-- talking about  the property manager that was really the one that started the very well methodical orchestrated smear campaign came to mind:
Reading the quote above, the property manager at the community where I worked comes to mind. She was very jealous of me and she and the board manipulated by her came up with a messy packages abusive procedure, but then I came up with a package procedure that was really efficient and she comes up to me saying: I heard you created a very efficient package procedure and I just ignored her, because I knew she was full of it and then she says: I am trying to give you a compliment! She was trying to give me a compliment my ass, she was seeing what else she could come up with to bring me down. She has everyone fooled, but she never had me fooled from day one, I knew I could not trust her. 
The quote below also articulates exactly what the property manager did. Totally she wanted to destroy me! And she got the new guy and the Security Company to finished the job she started, she is talented!!! 

Yes, they were very sneak and very good at hiding, doing their evil acts behind close doors.
To read more about my experiences with the mob of sociopaths or narcissists at my last job read my blog Experienced Knowledge  

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Translation of the words "I don't agree with you"

Sylvie Imelda Shene shared a memory.

Translation of the words "I don't agree with you". I am a person that sticks to the facts and evidence, so when someone says to me: I don't agree with you, it means that the person can’t handle to face the facts and evidence at the moment. If necessary I have learned to walk away from anyone that don’t have the courage to open their eyes to see and feel the facts and evidence. I am done hitting my head against walls. Life is too short to waste with people that lack courage to open their eyes to see and feel. Free at last!

Roger W.: True, intelligence can hide lots of faults, but only being close to people who always agree with you keeps you insulated. Being insulated from other points of view isn't healthy either.

Sylvie Imelda Shene It's not about agreeing about ideas. It's about being a seeing and feeling person. I have wasted enough time with unfeeling people in my life. Sorry but I am not wasting another minute of my life with unfeeling people. You either are a seeing and feeling person and emotionally honest and an authentic person or not.

Roger W.: Your original post seemed to indicate if someone didn't agree with you then they were a "person who can’t handle the facts and evidence"....

Sylvie Imelda Shene Usually when people say to me: i don't agree with you, they mean: the facts and evidence you are putting in front of me is too painful for me to face and feel. I totally understand, because I know how hard it is to feel, but I don't have time for people that lack courage to face and feel their own painful truth. People that are not capable of genuine feelings, they deceive themselves and others and they can become dangerous and that's why we live in world of lies and is a dangerous world, because very few people are capable of feeling and seeing.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

The Wall of Silence is Everywhere

Oh yeah, the wall of silence is everywhere, why would it be any different online, and yes self-censoring it means a lot of important information never gets shared, but disconnected half-truths, seductive lies and feel good stories that work like medication to keep us numb, they get a lot of sharing. People love to be distracted from their own painful truths and from doing the most important work in their lives -- doing their own emotional work. “This kind of self-censoring can mean that important information is never shared. Some had hoped that social media might provide new outlets that encourage more discussion and the exchange of a wider range of opinions. But we see the opposite – a spiral of silence exists online, too.”

Pew study warns about ‘spiral of silence’ in US discussion of Edward Snowden’s NSA online surveillance revelations

The wall of silence in our society is very hard to break through, especially in the media!
In the year 2003, I traveled to Portugal and tried to contact the media there. I wanted to go public with my experiences, and to bring awareness about all forms of child abuse, dyslexia, and the untreated professional. I never got a response. Portugal is a very secretive country, and the media is afraid to talk about secrets, especially if it involves a famous doctor. The media in Portugal protects people in power. As Alice Miller in her book Breaking Down the Walls of Silence: The Liberating Experience of Facing Painful Truth says: “… Rather than take the risk, they prefer to forgo information that might be of life-death importance for coming generationsSo in order not to have to call their own parents into question for a single moment, they cling to outdated, destructive opinions. …Clearly, the prospect of confronting one’s own personal history in this case is an alarming experience. And, as always, the fear of facts is stilled by a fascination with intellectual terms and abstractions aimed at concealing and masking the truth—the truth of facts that appear so threatening… At every attempt to share the new discoveries I made with the public, I ran up against the most determined resistance on the part ofthe media. It is true I can go on publishing these discoveries in my books, because my publishers are already aware of the growing interest in this topic. But there are other people who have important things to say, and they are dependent on the press. They and their readers rely on essential information not being torpedoed. All too often, however, the media buttress the wall ofsilence against which all those who have begun to confront their own childhood rebound.”
In 1998 through 2000 I tried to help by volunteering at the Perryville Women’s Prison in Goodyear, AZ, visiting inmates in prison for alcohol and drug violations. As Alice Miller said in her book The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self“Every criminal was humiliated, neglected, or abused in childhood, but few of them can admit to it.”
I have also been a sponsor for a Twelve Step meeting for teens. I was forced to quit because of the other sponsor, who was very controlling and domineering. Being with this sponsor was just like being with my family of origin. I was there really trying to be helpful to the teens.
The other sponsor had a hidden agenda, which seemed to be all about wanting to make herself look good. She had also a teen daughter who went to these meetings. She was there to see what her daughter had to say and what she would share at the meetings. Interestingly enough, her daughter would only share in the meetings if her mother for some reason could not attend. One of the reasons for two sponsors, was in case one sponsor couldn’t attend, the teens would still have a meeting.
One day after I shared some of my experiences about being a teen, a teen in the group identified with me and started to open up. The other sponsor interrupted him because he broke the rule that, we were supposed to go around and wait for our turn to share, I said, “its okay, let him share,” but she insisted on following the rules. I let it go. Of course, when the turn came for him to be able to share, he passed.
After the meeting I talked to the other sponsor and let her know that by enforcing the rules by interrupting the teen when he was sharing, she blocked that teen’s expression of his feelings, only resulting in him being more repressed. I explained that rules are created to help create order when there is chaos and that is important to know when it’s okay and even important to break the rules. Otherwise, the rules created to help us will keep us prisoners. I also told her that probably we should look for another sponsor to take her place because the Twelve Steps Program suggests that mother and daughter should not attend the same meeting. She said that a Twelve Steps meeting is just a program of suggestions.
At this, I pointed out that when it’s convenient to her, she says it’s a program of suggestions; but when she wants to be controlling, she calls it rules. The next meeting she came with some of her friends from the program to give her support against me. I felt alone like I used to feel in my family of origin.
The next meeting I let everyone know that because of personal reasons I no longer was going to be a Twelve Steps teen sponsor. I also communicated that if any teen wanted to talk to me they could call me at home. Some of them did call and told me the only reason they were going to our meeting was because of me and said they no longer were going to the meeting. I heard soon after I left, the meeting died.
That’s the last time I went to Twelve Steps meetings. The Twelve Steps refuse to look at the real causes, putting only focus in changing people behavior and what I have witness in Twelve Steps meetings is that People change one addiction for another. Just as C.G. JUNG and ALICE MILLER says:
“Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.” – C.G. JUNG
“Problems cannot be solved with words, but only through experience, not merely corrective experience, but through a reliving of early fear (sadness, anger).” – ALICE MILLER
This article by Dr. Alice Miller “The Longest Journey” articulates very well the traps of Spirituality/Religion/Morality. My experience it has been the same as Dr. Alice Miller’s, it has been a very long Journey, it has taken me also all of my life to finely free myself of all the crutches and get two healthy legs to stand on.
If we want to free ourselves we have to face, acknowledge, articulate and feel our painful truth.
Sylvie Shene

Friday, August 26, 2016

Brain Trauma

Brain trauma studied in domestic abuse victims resembles that of NFL players
I always knew, one of the reasons, for my poor memory was caused by being hit with a stick in the head by my first grade teacher and that's why I could not do well in school, because school work is all based in memorization.

"How can anyone possibly believe that youngsters will benefit from being beaten, particularly at a time when they are still growing and their brains are developing? One might perhaps assume that the advocates of corporal punishment have never heard of the fact that the human brain is still at the development stage in the first three years of life, and that it is precisely in this period that violence is learned by example. But what explanation is there for such ignorance? After all, this knowledge is not a closely guarded secret. At least educated people like teachers, priests, or lawyers (politicians, statesmen, ministers) must surely have been confronted with the facts of the matter at some point.
Reports on cruelty to children have been common knowledge for at least 20 years, yet there are still no signs of revulsion and horror at this ruthless exploitation of the helpless situation children find themselves in. Cruelty of this kind serves one single purpose: the discharge of the feelings of hatred pent up in adults, parents, and so-called caregivers. But what do we say when we hear a child has been beaten? “So what? That’s quite normal, isn’t it?” -- Alice Miller
Above excerpt from the article Taking It Personally: Indignation as a Vehicle of Therapy by Alice Miller

Monday, August 22, 2016

Grieving is Essential to Move Forward

 A reader of mine sent me this article Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason. I could have written this article. The author articles beautifully how I see and feel too.

So true “Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” And some losses are so big that always be carried and felt into the end of time.

“I hate to break it to you, but although devastation can lead to growth, it often doesn't. The reality is that it often destroys lives. And the real calamity is that this happens precisely because we've replaced grieving with advice. With platitudes. With our absence.” 

Sadly in most cases devastation doesn’t lead to growth, but, actually it destroys lives precisely because we refuse to face our childhood repression and take time to grieve our losses.  

Like I wrote below in response to Gala’s comment on my story:  “Hello Sylvie ~ Although painful, the challenges you faced from childhood are a gift ... for now you have the wisdom to be ... Best of the Season!" Gala

Gala, Thank you for writing. The experience of abuse in childhood is not a gift --they are a tragedy-- the gift was leaving Portugal and finding Alice Miller’s books. Every time a child is abused is a tragedy not a gift. Because if that child does not find an enlightened witness; the child will be lost forever. We all know how our society lacks true enlightened witnesses. Please read the article The Essential Role of an Enlightened Witness in Society

Grieving our losses is the only way to the path to freedom and to experience authentic joy. All the bullshit about forgiveness and others myths are prostheses that keeps us stuck and trapped.  Just like my enlightened witness Alice Miller wrote in her book “For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence” page 83 “Morality and performance of duty are artificial measures that become necessary when something essential is lacking.  The more successfully a person was denied access to his or her feelings in childhood, the larger the arsenal of intellectual weapons and the supply of moral prostheses has to be, because morality and a sense of duty are not sources of strength or fruitful soil for genuine affection.  Blood does not flow in artificial limbs; they are for sale and can serve many masters.”


Saturday, August 13, 2016

The story of Paulo Gonçalves, the man who decided to put an end to the Portuguese Island of Madeira

Seeing Portugal and the Portuguese island of Madeira on fire breaks my heart.  


Reading the article below it just gives evidence to what I wrote in my blog Adoption is not the fairy tale society wants you to believe. The article is in Portuguese, but I translated the headline into English


"Is 24 years old, was abandoned by his parents as a child, doesn’t get along with those who have adopted him. He entered early in to the drug world. On Monday, after years destroying his life, Paul decided to put an end to Madeira."

This is why I would never take a risk of bringing a new life into the world to give up for adoption! Behind every crime a personal tragedy lies hidden. Will ever society find the courage to look at the roots causes of all the horrific events we witness in our world, so we can prevent them from keep happening again and again in the future? 

The trauma of separation and adoption is real, but of course,  there are always exceptions to the rule,  if the adoptive parents are conscious of the traumas and the loss their adoptive child suffered, they can help their adoptive child heal these traumas. But this happens very seldom and that's a risk i would never take of carrying a pregnancy to term and give birth to a new being to give up for adoption. Because it's like playing Russian roulette with the lives of defenseless little babies and children. 

 These words by Alice are so true: “You are right, unwanted children are usually mistreated. But there exist as a rule also a huge amount of people who were "wanted" indeed, but only for playing the role of the victims that their parents needed to be able to take revenge on. They were wanted to give their parents what the parents never had gotten from their own parents: love, adoration, attention and so many other things. Otherwise, why would so many people have five or more children when they have no time for them? Why do they adopt children if their body refuses to give them what they apparently "want?”
The never acknowledged, never felt pain of their childhood calls for being avenged. They go to church, they pray, they honor their parents, forgive them everything – and they mistreat their children at home, often in a very cruel way, AS IF THIS WERE THE MOST NATURAL THING, because they learned this so early. Their children learn this perverted behavior, also very early, and will later do the same; and so this perverse behavior continues for millennia. Unless people are willing to SEE the perversion of their parents and are ready to consciously refuse to imitate it.
You are not being "sickeningly sarcastic," you only dared to speak out the truth that most people are afraid of seeing or talking about.”


 I also could not agree more with Alice Miller's words below: 

"I have no doubt that behind every crime a personal tragedy lies hidden. If we were to investigate such events and their backgrounds more closely, we might be able to do more to prevent crimes than we do now with our indignation and moralizing. Perhaps someone will say: But not everyone who was a battered child becomes a murderer; otherwise, many more people would be murderers. That is true. However, humankind is in dire enough straits these days that this should not remain an academic question. Moreover, we never know how a child will and must react to the injustice he or she has suffered-there are innumerable "techniques" for dealing with it. We don't yet know, above all, what the world might be like if children were to grow up without being subjected to humiliation, if parents would respect them and take them seriously as persons. In any case, I don't know of a single person who enjoyed this respect* as a child and then as an adult had the need to put other human beings to death. * By respect for a child, I don't mean a "permissive" upbringing,which is often a form of indoctrination itself and thus shows a disregard for the child's own world." For Your Own Good, page 196 and 197

Wouldn't had been better his mother had access to an abortion when he was just a fertilized egg than bring a new being into the world just to suffer and make others suffer --- anyone that says otherwise is a sadist -- we as a society should be working for a world  where every child born is planed, wanted and loved by parents in position to care and protect a child.   

Just like I wrote in my book A Dance to Freedom Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions page 137: " Everything we become as an adult is connected to our childhood: Our experiences are a chain of events that bring us to the present moment, for better or worse. A criminal is never guilty just by himself. If society at large could ever find the courage to learn from the chain of events that occurred in each criminal’s life from day one, we could prevent many future crimes and a lot of unnecessary suffering."

Also these words by Alice Miller from the interview given to Noreen Taylor come to mind: "I think that the violent teenagers are demonstrating what happened to them emotionally when they were small. I have no doubt about that. It might not always be a harsh discipline but in most cases there is emotional neglect, lack of authentic communication, of warm, friendly contact. If this lack is also covered by what is called "spoiling" (buying a lot of expensive objects to replace love), the child is often unable to detect the neglect and stays bound to denial. Anyway, every child must deny the pain in order to survive. Only in adulthood is it possible to realize the truth. But the more the childhood history is repressed, the more its cruelty denied, the less these young people are able to feel, to confront the actual reasons of their distress, the stronger they feel urged to act destructively. They have not always conscious memories of what happened in their childhood, especially in infancy, but this knowledge is stored up in their body's cells and, amazingly enough, they threaten others exactly the same way as they were threatened on the beginning of their life. Unfortunately, the common, ever-present avoidance of the issue "childhood" doesn't make things easier. I discuss this problem in my book Paths of Life, 1999, and The Truth Will Set You Free, 2002.

The misled brain and the banned emotions

The Facts:
1. The development of the human brain is use-dependent. The brain develops its structure in the first four years of life, depending on the experiences the environment offers the child. The brain of a child who has mostly loving experiences will develop differently from the brain of a child who has been treated cruelly.
2. Almost all children on our planet are beaten in the first years of their lives. They learn from the start violence, and this lesson is wired into their developing brains. No child is ever born violent. Violence is NOT genetic, it exists because beaten children use, in their adult lives, the lesson that their brains have learned.
3. As beaten children are not allowed to defend themselves, they must suppress their anger and rage against their parents who have humiliated them, killed their inborn empathy, and insulted their dignity. They will take out this rage later, as adults, on scapegoats, mostly on their own children. Deprived of empathy, some of them will direct their anger against themselves (in eating disorders, drug addiction, depression etc.), or against other adults (in wars, terrorism, delinquency etc.)
Questions and Answers:
Q: Parents beat their children without a second thought, to make them obedient. Nobody, except a very small minority, protests against this dangerous habit. Why is the logical sequence (from being a misled victim to becoming a misleading perpetrator) totally ignored world-wide? Why have even the Popes, responsible for the moral behaviour of many millions of believers, until now never informed them that beating children is a crime?
A: Because almost ALL of us were beaten, and we had to learn very early that these cruel acts were normal, harmless, and even good for us. Nobody ever told us that they were crimes against humanity. The wrong, immoral, and absurd lesson was wired into our developing brains, and this explains the emotional blindness governing our world.
Q: Can we free ourselves from the emotional blindness we developed in childhood?
A: We can – at least to some degree – liberate ourselves from this blindness by daring to feel our repressed emotions, including our fear and forbidden rage against our parents who had often scared us to death for periods of many years, which should have been the most beautiful years of our lives. We can’t retrieve those years. But thanks to facing our truth we can transform ourselves from the children who still live in us full of fear and denial into responsible, well informed adults who regained their empathy, so early stolen from them. By becoming feeling persons we can no longer deny that beating children is a criminal act that should be forbidden on the whole planet.
Conclusion:
Caring for the emotional needs of our children means more than giving them a happy childhood. It means to enable the brains of the future adults to function in a healthy, rational way, free from perversion and madness. Being forced to learn in childhood that hitting children is a blessing for them is a most absurd, confusing lesson, one with the most dangerous consequences: This lesson as such, together with being cut off from the true emotions, creates the roots of violence.
www.alice-miller.com
© 2015 Alice Miller